Darkness
by Lady Strallan
Summary: Mckay thoughts after the hive.


I do not own stargate.

Thanks to Rocketlover for checking this over.

Spoilers for the hive and lost boys.

_**Darkness**_

Rodney McKay sat alone in his quarters. The room was darkened, illuminated only by an open laptop resting on his desk and the moonlight that filtered through the window. Rodney stared out absently not really seeing. He could hear waves breaking against Atlantis, and found its regularity soothing. He sighed and cast a glance over to his laptop. He'd come here to try and finish his reports after finding the normally calming noise and chaos of the lab too much for him. Now that he was here, he found he still could not concentrate.

The constant interruptions from his staff had not helped. He'd spent most of the day telling people he was fine and that, '_No he did not need anything.'_

In the end he'd lost his temper and thrown anyone not needed out of the lab. Then he'd spent the rest of the time shouting at those remaining, telling them to shut up and get on with their work. Yet this did little to help him focus. Instead of people badgering him, he could feel sets of concerned eyes studying him.

After an hour or so, he'd had enough and told Zelenka he was going to work in his quarters and did not want to be disturbed. He recalled the look of concern in his friend's eyes. It had merely forced him to flee the lab faster then he'd intended, for he feared if Zelenka tried to reach out to him, he might finally break.

He knew people were beginning to worry about him, and he could feel their eyes on his back as he left. A mixture of concern and probably fear too, wondering if he was going to turn into another Ford.

Rodney sighed again and switched off the laptop, knowing he wasn't going to get any more work done tonight. He closed his eyes and tried to relax, but it was no good. His palms were sweaty and he could feel his heartbeat pounding. The room seemed to be closing in around him, and he felt like he was going to suffocate.

He got up and grabbed his jacket before striding out of the room walking wherever his feet took him. He didn't know where he was going, just that he needed to move; to lose the stifling bonds he felt dragging him down. He kept his head low to avoid eye contact with anyone that he might pass by. He was afraid that if someone looked into his eyes they would see the darkness there. That they would see that part of him that scared him more than the Genii and the Wraith ever could. That part of him that wanted the enzyme more than anything - no matter what it would cost him in the long run.

His feet stopped and he realised he was stood on the balcony where Ford had fallen during the attack on Atlantis. He stepped forward and gripped the railing, closed his eyes and took a deep breath. It was times like this that he wished he was not alone and that he had someone to talk to. Someone who would not judge him.

He could not talk to Carson, Elizabeth or John because while they would listen, he knew they would also judge him. They'd assess him, deem him unfit for duty. Then they'd give him understanding looks and send him on his merry way for extra sessions with Kate! She'd then spend an hour taking him apart on the pretext of making him whole again. But he knew, _knew_ they could not fix him, because they had no way to understand what it was like to be on the enzyme.

He knew Telya and Ronon had been through withdrawal too, but they had no idea what it felt like to be weak and helpless in the field. He was always the one that needed to be watched over and rescued all the time. That rush of the enzyme had been the only time in his life where he had not felt weak and afraid. For once in his life, he hadn't been a big disappointment. He'd rescued himself and he was going to help save the others too. Of course, it didn't quite turn out that way. By the time, he was coherent enough to tell Elizabeth what was going on, John had already taken care of everything and once again, he was reduced to a spare part.

As he looked out into the night sky, he began to wonder if the darkness inside him would ever go away. Or would it grow until it enveloped him, eating away at his mind until it turned him into a soulless monster that would do anything to get the enzyme?

Rodney McKay looked down into the dark waves that crashed against the city

Part of him wondered if it was already too late for him. Maybe he should just stop fighting and let the darkness in? After all, wasn't that what people were waiting for?

Finis


End file.
